Wednesday, March 31, 2010

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

its ok

It's about what? 1:15am and let me just say that this Jill Scott station on Pandora is just hitting all the right spots. I was watching the "Let's talk about Pep" show and I realized something instantly. I DON'T WANT THAT LIFE! I'm almost at the end of my undergraduate road and I'm in no rush to be "in love". However, I don't want to "date" either. I'm over it, and its ok. People try to make you feel like its wrong or weird to not want to date. You date when you are looking for something,when you're still trying to do the trial and error faze. I have seen it ALL. I know what I like,what I don't like, what I hate; everything. And in that I found that I lovve being me,loving me, and in my own right. I'm at my own pace, I do things the way I want them to be done, not having to worry about being on someone elses time;its a beautiful feeling. I encourage you to enjoy being single. Not free ,but single. Do you know the difference? If not, learn it and embrace it. Being single is a beautiful thing :)
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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Growing Pains

Just because people don't comment,doesn't mean they don't read. This blog is not for entertainment,but a way for me to express my thoughts and maybe relate to someone else. I'm struggling right now. For those who don't know,I'm on a walk with Christ. This is the hardest battle of my life. I love God,wholeheartedly,but my flesh is weak. Sexual impurity is getting the best of me and I am in what I feel is the battle of my life. When people hear the word sexual they automatically think of the physical act. In all actuality,the emotional and mental aspect are equal. Refraining from sex does not save you from sexual impurity but rather controlling the lustful thoughts. Loneliness is an example. Loneliness forces you to engage in things u don't need which lead to the act. Intimate conversations;having company that u have no business keeping.Listening to music that you know is gonna turn you on. When I first began my journey,I tried my hardest to find a way to hold on to my old habits. As I get closer to God,I realize that I have to choose what is most important.It isn't easy,but the ultimate prize is worth it. I can not sacrifice that which cost me nothing...but it hurts like hell. I can honestly say that I see a change in myself. I don't like the same things I used to.lust as much as I used to..and I'm not lonely. The void that God fills is like no other but its hard because as I grow, so many spaces are empty..because I had to let go of certain things,people. Its painful.I've had growing pains,but none like these. If anyone is having the same issues, I know where you're coming from,and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

He who laughs first, laughs last.

Never underestimate your opponent. The under dog usually wins. I find it interesting when people think they have you figured out. You can never figure someone out...completely. I'm far from a pessimist,but I trust nothing. The human mind is such a crazy thing. I know people don't know what goes through my mind most of the time, so I won't even allow myself to believe that I'm the only one with intricate thoughts. Sometimes, I think people(women included) think women are stupid. Fact: A LOT of us are. For example, I think its foolish for a woman to need closure from a man before she walks away from the unhealthy situation. Why would u want to reason with/express how you feel to someone you were walking away from? If they cared how u felt,don't you think you would still be together? Idk,maybe its just me. Closure is a state of mind. Once you make up your mind that you don't need them anymore,I don't think much more needs to be said after the "break up". People hold on to things and that's what really hurts the most;not letting go. Everything is a test. People always want to see how far they can push you because they want to know how far they can go.If you let them; they will. To me, the best part of the "test" effect is watching someone fail. Nothing makes me laugh harder than the chasee turning into the chaser/beggar/im sorry/give me another chance person. How can you go from being so strong to being so weak? I've been in that situation before and I don't think I can go there again,but its always nice to see a man fall off his high horse and realize you ARE the object of affection :) How do I know? I recently witnessed it first hand. Its a shame you have to leave just to get someone to stay.
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Sunday, January 3, 2010

Confessions of an Online Shopper

This is an addiction.

I cant stop. It's like online shopping is my kriptonite. The rush I get is amazing,yet dangerous. I don't think you understand;I know I have a problem.
The older I get, the higher end I become. Working at Nordstrom hasn't exactly helped me either. If not for me caring about my bills, i'd be buying clothes all day. Im almost ashamed of myself.(almost)

I made a list of all the things I wanted to buy. It sounds selfish but only I can see the reasoning. I haven't bought anything for myself this semester. My priorities are number one, as they should be. But it would be nice to be able to buy the things that I want when i want to. Paying your own bills is never fun..
I can't wait to tell my story.
I dont gloat or babble about the shit I buy because it's no ones business. If it's nice,no matter where you got it from, people will compliment you. Besides, I don't buy clothes for the thrill of others. I love to please myself. Have you ever turned yourself on? Not in a freaky way just like, "damn I look good". That's how I feel when I buy my clothes. When I put on THAT outfit..ugh.

when i put on THAT dress.I feel like a million dollars. Maybe it's just me. It's so bad, i buy stuff I know I don't need but will find a place to wear to in the future. Like this BCBG dress. 
Do i need it?Hell no. Is it bomb as hell. Oh yes. I know I know, Im working on it.

This is part of the reason i aspire to make alot of money. I don't want any man complaining about how I spend too much of his money, or waste too much of my own. If i have enough to support my habit and be the woman I plan to be, who gon check me boo? :)

I hope this happens fast, this "habit" is getting expensive.

Friday, January 1, 2010

You're so 2009

I hid alot of the things I really wanted from a man because I was afraid that no one would give it to me. That day is long gone. When you get so fed up, you finally realize how important YOU really are. My mom told me this a very long time ago and I always tried to argue;
 "It's either yes, or no."
Either someone loves you for who you are, or they don't. And though the things you ask may be hard to accept, if they truly care about you, they will oblige and vise versa. So long I have compromised what it really is that I want just to satisfy the temporary pleasures of others, while punishing myself with temporary situations. 
I want love.
My love is picky,but it's simple.It's easy, but its hard at the same time.

"Don't you think you are too young?" -Never.

They say college is mainly for experience and fun;I've had my experiences and my heart is far from a game. Until I can find a love that is truly mine, I don't want to be bothered.
I will continue to form friendships and intrigue in mind stimulating conversations, but I will not subject myself to someone or something I know is not going to give me what I want.

The best thing about love is the respect that the other person has for you. To know that someone cares about you so much they wouldn't dare hurt you,mistreat you, or challenge your morals.  That's beautiful to me.

The ability to see someone evolve and walk with them is amazing; I love it.

Relationships should be taken seriously,but everyone doesn't understand that. If I want to be with you, it's because I want you in my life;now and later. The purpose of being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend is to decide whether or not you can see yourself with that person. If not, what is the purpose?

Being single is a beautiful thing;embrace it. It's a time to find out who you really are and what you can bring to the table.

And because I settled, I know what I DO NOT WANT.

I need a man of God.

It is imperitave in my life. How can you want to be with someone who isn't striving for perfection in his eyes? All that bull about someone not knowing God and giving them time is bs. If they don't know God and you do,you need to move on. They will pull you back and slow you down; It happened to me. If they need a hand, help them-don't kneel down beside them.
Don't give in. I quit that game. I'd like to try something else.
I have a feeling some old people are going to be knocking on my door soon. Their time has passed and now the ball is in my court... Pass or play?
Pass. >It's 2010


I know it sounds cliche, but i reallllllllllyy have a good feeling about this year: seriously. I opted to stay home tonight instead of party. Honestly, there was no where else id rather be. I've partied so much that I'm almost over it, with the exception of birthday parties and occasional nights where I just need to wear a bangin dress. I have grown so much as a person and i am proud of that. Often, people try to question you when you acknowledge a change, but eventually it will be evident for even the blind to see :)

My mother brought tears to my eyes this evening when she started saying her prayers. She prayed for many things, but she prayed for me especially. It touched me. She prayed that I found happiness and I was successful in all my endeavors. That may be a common prayer but to hear someone profess it with such a destined proclamation is mind blowing. I know God heard her :)

I'm not gonna lie, I did wanna go to ATL for NYE. I know I didnt miss anything. I am the life of my own party lol. In my time home, I got to plan my spring break. IM GOING TO THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

by the graces of God...and he works in my favor.
My Plan:

Monitor your finances!
In previous years, I have spent money on things that I knowingly did not need. SO..I plan to cut back on...alot :(
How we manage our money now is a mere reflection on how financial stable we will be as full blown adults(lol at that phrase) and with the places I plan to go, I better be able to handle my money.

I think I'm ready